While there is no official book on how to conduct yourself in an appropriate manner as you navigate the treacherous waters of divorce, here are a few guidelines on how to behave and not embarrass yourself so that years from now you can look back and feel proud of how you handled yourself while going through one of the worst times in your life.

1.     Respect and Maintain Boundaries with Your Spouse.  Now that you are divorcing, remember not to treat your ex as if you are still married.  That means don’t drop by your old house, where your ex still lives, and let yourself in, say, to pick up the mail - call first.  Better yet, return your house key.  Even though the house may still be yours legally, it’s no longer your home.  Also, don’t ask your ex innocent questions, like, “So is it true what I hear, that you’re dating your ex from high school?”  It’s none of your business and don’t answer similar questions your ex may ask.  Respecting and maintaining boundaries will help you (and your ex) separate and move on with your lives.  Continuing to interfere with or be part of each other’s lives, as if you are close friends, can be confusing and detrimental.

2.     Don’t Put Your Children in the Middle of Your Divorce.  Most if not all parents say they know this already and even more claim to never do it, but many parents do put their kids in the middle either unintentionally or, more often, innocently.  For example, asking your son or daughter to deliver a support check to your ex, especially if your ex questions your child about why the amount is less than it should be, can be uncomfortable for your child.  Sometimes, the intent is not so innocent, like when a mom asks her daughter if dad is still dating his girlfriend (who broke up their marriage)? Or dad asks his son if mom’s boyfriend spent the night?  Children don’t want to be spies for their parents any more than they want to feel like they are betraying the parent being spied on. 

3.     Don’t Use Your Divorce To Seek Revenge.  All marriages are checkered with some conflict; sometimes it is minor, like disagreeing on a son’s curfew or which movie to see and sometimes it is major, such as a spouse’s out of control spending or infidelity.  Many couples avoid conflict out of fear it may lead to a break-up, but when divorce does happen, couples sometimes seek their pound of flesh for what they tolerated over the years.  Don’t use your divorce to get even for past hurts, even if you feel justified.  It fosters a cycle of revenge that only spirals down to create even more animosity and bitterness.  There’s a saying, “what goes around, comes around” and that includes payback. 

4.     Go After What’s Yours - But Be Fair.  Some spouses live by the selfish divorce philosophy: when the going gets tough – cheat; or, if your ex won’t give you what you want, strong-arm them by threatening to hide money or withhold the kids; or, when the courts don’t mete out justice, make your own by ignoring court orders.  Spouses may rationalize doing this when their ex is unfair; they ask themselves why should I be fair?  The answer is simple – because it is the right thing to do, the decent thing to do.  If you are not sure how to be fair, here's a suggestion: reverse the situation and ask yourself how would you like your ex to treat you in this situation that seems fair, and however that would be is how you should treat your ex.  Being fair not only helps us sleep better at night (unless you are a sociopath, in which case, you'll sleep like a baby and all bets are off), it allows us to look ourselves in the mirror the next morning and feel good about who is staring back at us.  So remember that it’s okay to be assertive, even aggressive, in going after what is yours, so long as you are fair.

5.     Play By The Rules.  When children play board games and begin to lose, they sometimes cheat to gain the upper hand.  The same occurs during divorce, like when a parent doesn’t get as much time with their kids as they would like, they simply keep them longer than agreed or the court ordered. When one spouse breaks the rules it often leads to the other spouse choosing to also not follow the rules.  This results in spouses doing things like withholding documents, information and support checks, or agreeing on a settlement and then changing their mind.  All this does is antagonize your ex, prolong your divorce, anger the court and help attorneys get rich. So the next time you decide to not play by the rules, picture receiving a thank you postcard from your attorney vacationing in Hawaii while you’re on your way to court to file for bankruptcy.

6.     Accept Defeat With Grace.  Anyone who’s been to court, or even mediation, knows that no one ever gets all they feel entitled to; you win some and lose some.  To be honest, you will probably get more than your ex thinks you should and your ex will get less than s/he believes s/he deserves, which should be some consolation.  Learn to live with the defeats of today knowing that tomorrow will bring you victory, because that is how the rollercoaster divorce process works.  You will also find that by accepting defeats with dignity you will sleep better and save a fortune on antacids.

7.     Don’t Ask Friends and Family To Choose Sides.  Recently, I told my four-year-old granddaughter I loved her.  Instead of saying “I love you too,” she asked if I loved her more than her seven-year-old brother.  No one likes to be put in the middle or asked to choose sides when we care for both people.  Remember when you first got married, how important it was for your friends and family to like your spouse as much as they loved you?  Remember, how hard you worked to help them get to know your spouse so they would grow to love him/her as much as you did?  Now ask yourself how fair it is, just because you are getting divorced, that they stop caring for your spouse and side with you?  So when your family and friends continue to be close to your ex and invite him/her to their holiday parties or birthday celebrations, remember that it was you who worked so hard to make that happen.